Wednesday, July 23, 2014

RECRUITED BY THE C.F.A.A.


I apologize to all of my three readers for my sudden and extended disappearance, for I have been secretly recruited by the CATO FONG AMBUSH ACADEMY. The intensive and dangerous training and testing I have to undergo at the academy, leaves me little time to blog, much less recover from severe injuries sustained during hypothetical ambush missions, my own pseudo deaths and use of the wrong prescription eyeglasses.

CATO FONG:  Legendary, irrepressible professional Ambusher of Inspector Jacques Clouseau. CATO FONG AMBUSH ACADEMY:  Elite ambush training for undercover ambush specialists, commanded by world premier unidentified ambush experts (I am not at liberty to disclose whether or not we at the academy are being instructed by the Honorable Cato Fong himself!). 



Saturday, October 19, 2013

SUPERNATURAL DECRYPTER


It's true. I am gifted with the supernatural ability for decrypting spy's surnames to uncover names of international cheeses. These are just a few of the surnames of families under current observation deemed suspicious as a result of my keen dissection:

Chesterholm

Romanio

Forestman

Bridges

Chakravarti

Nikolov

Gouldman

For several decades, undercover intelligence agents have used my abilities to lead to hidden clues planted at various vile artisan cheese makers throughout the world. Just as I have done, you too can loyally help protect our country against operatives hidden within your neighborhood:  Perhaps you've heard strange surnames spoken among your friends, or there is someone with one of the surnames mentioned above in the same room as yourself right now— they could be spies! You can discreetly locate their address on the internet, before garbage collection day sneak into their home the minute they roll-out their garbage cans, then be careful not to get your fingerprints on any objects as you covertly look inside their refrigerators and see if they have any cheese; If they do, place it in your bag and leave by stealth at once! Do not waste a single second! This cheese is putrid evidence you'll need to send immediately to your nearest Military Police HQ for indigestigation. 

Your fellow countrymen thank you for your steadfastness.

Tuesday, September 10, 2013

NO INTERVENTION NECESSARY


It's been a while since I've blogged. I've been spending a lot of time under treatment at a Pastry Rehabilitation Clinic. The process is not unlike the twelve-step program for Alcoholics Anonymous, as summarized by the American Psychological Pastry Association— it involves the following:
  • admitting that I cannot control my addiction or compulsion to sneak around bakeries
  • recognizing that a high powered Zumba class can give me strength to run in the other direction of danishes dripping with custard, rum-soaked raisin Hungarian cheesecakes, freshly baked croissants, cannoli smothered with chocolate chips, strudels wrapped in a light and crispy pastry crust angelically dusted with powdered sugar and cinnamon...
  • examining past errors with the help of a full-length mirror and an accurately calibrated weighing scale  
  • learning to live a new life with a new code of deprivation
  • helping others who suffer from the same addictions and compulsions by providing cappuccino to dip pastries in
Fortunately, I know my condition is not grave, because my family has not conducted an intervention for me. Their main concern is that they know where my "stash" is hidden so they can safely confiscate it while I'm in a sugar induced coma.

This is for those of you interested in learning about the entire twelve step program:

1.  Butter a 10-inch-diameter springform pan, lined at the bottom with parchment paper and preheat oven to 350°F.

2.  Stir 10 oz. of bittersweet chocolate in metal bowl set over saucepan of simmering water until melted and smooth. Cool slightly. 

3.  Using electric mixer, beat 3/4 cup sugar and 3/4 cup unsalted butter in large bowl, for 2 minutes. Beat in 6 egg yolks, 2 Tablespoons Grand Marnier, 1 Tablespoon finely grated orange peel, and 2 teaspoons vanilla extract. Stir in lukewarm chocolate. Add 1/2 cup all purpose flour and 1/4 teaspoon salt; stir to blend. 

4.  Using clean dry beaters, beat 6 egg whites in another large bowl until peaks form. Fold whites into chocolate mixture in 3 additions. 

5.  Transfer batter to prepared springform pan.

6.  Bake cake until top is dry and cracked and tester inserted into center comes out with a few moist crumbs attached, about 45 minutes. 

7.  Cool cake in pan on rack (top will fall slightly). 

8.  Make the icing:  Place 7 ounces bittersweet chocolate and 7 tablespoons unsalted butter in medium metal bowl. Bring 2/3 cup whipping cream to boil in small saucepan. Pour hot cream over chocolate mixture; stir until mixture is melted and smooth.

9.  Run thin knife around inside of cake pan; remove pan sides. Invert cake onto 10-inch removable tart pan bottom or cardboard round. Place on rack set in rimmed baking sheet. Remove cake pan bottom and parchment. 

10.  Pour icing over cake and spread to cover top and sides. 

11.  Chill until glaze sets, about 30 minutes. Cover with cake dome and chill. 

12.  Email me info on where and when you'll be serving this cake.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

HUSBAND OF 17 YEARS CONSULTS GOOGLE TO FINALLY LEARN ABOUT ROMANCE


Mr. P.B. of San Rafael, CA finally admitted to wife that he has been a dumb-dumb about romance. After 17 years of watching Mrs. P.B. curled-up in bed crying herself to sleep each night, he realized he needed to have a deep talk with her and ask her personal questions like “What’s wrong, honey?”, rather than react with the usual “Here, take a shot of whiskey— it’ll make you feel better”. 

During recent questioning, it seemed critical for Mr. P.B. to defend his lack of sensitivity by stating: “Other men are less romantic than I!”, to which his wife replied: “Well, you are more sensitive than King Henry VIII.”

On May 12, 2013, after spending yet another Mother’s Day cooking and cleaning and pretending to be over-joyed to receive half-dead, bug-infested flowers from Mr. P.B., Mrs. P.B. packed all her belongings into a suitcase and scanned the internet for the earliest departing, discounted one-way flight to Paris. Simultaneously, Mr. P.B. was conducting his own Google search on “how to keep your wife from leaving you”. Upon noticing this effort, Mrs. P.B. decided to also purchase a return ticket home.

Mrs. P.B.’s flight would not be leaving for another 46 hours. She used the time to prepare herself in anticipation of their marital changes ahead; she went to see a Podiatrist to make sure her feet were in absolute optimal condition, then drove straight to a shoe store and walked-out wearing a pair of stunning black leather lace-up boots. She was ready. 

Mrs. P.B. rushed home and booted her husband out.


(In order to avoid embarrassment, in place of actual names, the initials “P. B.” were used to protect the identity of Pat Butman.)

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

NAME THAT PSYCHOSIS QUIZ


Choose the statement/s which are true for each sentence:

1.  Joseph Stalin wanted to be the leader of the Soviet Union because
(a) during Stalin’s era, it was easy to overrule non-functioning alcoholic countries 
(b) cows didn’t like him enough to deem him a “cowboy”
(c) he wanted to be a good example for Hitler
(d) Satan needed a medium

2.  Adolf Hitler strived to strengthen his psychosis by
(a) performing his own root canals
(b) drinking turpentine for breakfast every morning
(c) shaping his mustache to assist better oxygen intake
(d) enjoying his own suicide

3.  Idi Amin embellished himself with the title “His Excellency President for Life Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin, VC, DSO, MC, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular” so he could
(a) prove to the world he wasn’t psychotic
(b) make it easy for Deaf Signers to introduce him
(c) impress my neighbor who recently adapted Amin’s title above
(d) be prepared to name a comet after himself
 
4.  Saddam Hussein’s regime was well-adapted to his delusions because 
(a) as children Hussein and the regime were all bullied by goats
(b) the regime believed Hussein was the “chosen one” because he was an intentionally affixed breech birth
(c) the regime thought Hussein’s cloth diapers were adorable
(d) all of the above

5.  Darth Vadar wore a mask to
(a) hide the tracks of his tears
(b) re-breathe his halitosis he found to be invigorating
(c) receive GPS audio for navigating around Death Star
(d) lure actual neurotics into taking quizzes about fictional psychotics


Answers will not be posted. Unless you have OCD, it won’t matter to you anyway.

Monday, March 4, 2013

IN A DOG’S TOOLBOX


This is a portion of a current article which reveals what canine experts, behaviorists, trainers, etc., have worked so hard on researching and testing over the years. The results are quite fascinating—
The canine IQ test results are in: The finding is based on a language development test, revealing average dogs can learn 165 words (similar to a 2-year-old child), including signals and gestures, and dogs in the top 20 percent in intelligence can learn 250 words.....studies have found that dogs show spatial problem-solving skills. For instance, they can locate valued items, such as treats, find better routes in the environment, such as the fastest way to a favorite chair, and figure out how to operate latches and simple machines.....dogs also show some basic emotions, such as happiness, anger and disgust. But more complex emotions, such as guilt, are not in a “dog’s toolbox”...
A special thanks is extended to the men who have modeled these abilities for our dogs.